Chapel Hill NC and Cary NC

Infertility Stress: Coping with infertility and the holidays

The holiday season is upon us. Christmas cards, wrapping paper, ornaments, and toys have been quietly creeping into groceries store isles, card stores, mall department stores, and even drug stores since before Halloween. Now suddenly these reminders of the holiday season are noticeable. Thanksgiving, squeezed in between the goblins and the elves, still reminds us that this time of year is a time for family….a time with special magic for children. Couples who want so very much to have a baby but who are struggling with infertility can find this time especially difficult.

Emotional reactions to infertility commonly include depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation or of not being in control. And these feelings tend to become amplified during "family" holidays. How can you bear to go through the holidays with such a sense of emptiness and pain? Here are some tips to make it a little easier.

Feelings, in and of themselves, are neither good nor bad; feelings just are. When we experience unpleasant emotions, we often get frustrated with our own feelings, and invariably this makes it worse. Psychologists distinguish between primary emotions (feelings about whatever the situation is) and secondary emotions (feelings about the feelings). As the season unfolds, remind yourself to accept and let go…accept and let go. Accept that this is a time when emotions run high. Accept that there are some things you can control and accept that there are things that come in their own time. All you can do is to do all you can, and you’re doing that. Be gentle with yourself; be gentle with your partner.

Remember that things rarely are as perfect as they seem on the outside looking in. Advertisers create part of the holiday experience to have us buy what they sell. Even in the best of families the holidays are a mixture of joy and stress. When you catch yourself dwelling only on the idealistic images of happy families, gently turn your mind away from these thoughts.

Turning your mind to gratitude helps you focus on whatever is going right in your life. I have a friend who often reminds me “whatever you focus on grows.” Researchers have good evidence that a positive, optimistic, attitude helps the body heal itself. Focusing on gratitude helps minimize secondary emotions and can keep you from developing stress reactions that get in your own way.

One of the challenges of repeated disappointment is to refrain from trying to protect your heart with bitterness. Telling yourself that “it will never happen” may help you buffer the next round of potential frustration, but it also increases the chemicals in your body associated with negative emotions. Hope requires the courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Keep telling yourself you will watch your kids open their Christmas presents or light the menorah, and be filled with holiday glee. It just hasn’t happened yet.

One way to reframe and turn your mind at the same time is to focus on the spirit of giving rather than to focus on the idealized family you don’t have yet. Giving back to others can touch your heart in unexpected ways. Have you thought about serving Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless? How about volunteering on a battered women’s hotline? Find new ways to take part in the holiday season, ways that feel good and give you a sense of meaning.

Coping with infertility means grieving disappointments over and over until it happens. One healthy way to find comfort is to soothe yourself by paying attention to each of your senses.

Soothe yourself visually by paying attention to beauty. Make your home cozy and beautiful. Wrap pretty packages. Set a pretty table… just because.

Soothe yourself with sound. Play your favorite music. Pay attention to sounds in nature. (When was the last time you stopped to listen to the leaves rustling?)

Soothe yourself with smell. Make a pot of fresh coffee. Prepare potpourri. Bake bread. Take a walk in a wooded area and really pay attention to the fresh smells of nature.

Soothe yourself with taste. Slowly savor a hot, soothing, cup of herbal tea. Suck on a piece of peppermint candy. Stop to taste, really taste, the foods you eat.

Soothe yourself with touch. Take a bubble bath. Treat yourself to a massage. Put creamy lotion on your whole body. Really experience your partner’s loving touch.

Removing yourself from the holiday scene is one reasonable alternative to coping with holiday stress. Just being in new surroundings can give you a sense of respite. One couple I counseled took a vacation from “trying” simply because they wanted to remember what it was like to make love “just because it’s fun and we love each other.” Being away can be a great way to replenish your spirit and rekindle your love.

Well-meaning relatives can be tactless at times. Questions like “So when are you going to have a baby of your own?” are easier to handle when you have prepared your “lines” ahead of time. Some folks you trust and some you don’t. You may want to share what you are going through with some—those you trust to be supportive and understanding. With others, you might want to just say something vague like “We love our nieces and nephews a lot.” Or, “babies sure are a lot of work.”

Whatever else you do this holiday season, make a commitment to live life fully during this difficult time. Slow down. Trust yourself. Cultivate patience. Accept your emotions. Accept your partner. Perhaps the best gifts you can give yourselves are the courage to keep your heart open and the willingness to trust in your dream.