Chapel Hill NC and Cary NC

To Work or not to Work.
Part 1: The Modern Woman's Dilemma (*)

Years ago, when I wrote my dissertation, I interviewed couples before and after the birth of their first child. One of the questions I asked these couples was whether or not the mother planned to return to work when the baby came.

I'll never forget one woman who said, "You know, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't on that one . . . . If you think you might want to go back to work after the baby comes, you get remarks like, 'You're not going to leave that precious baby, are you?' . . . . I mean, it's like you're some kind of monster or something . . . . and if you think you might want to stay home, well, then you have no ambition."

I don't think much has really changed in the last ten years. Women still struggle with this choice, and they still feel guilty - regardless.

I would like to suggest to you that it really is OK. It really is OK to stay home. It really is OK to go back to work. Which choice will work for you and your family depends on a whole host of variables. The important thing is that you make the right choice for you.

But how do you know which is the right choice for you? Now, that's the question.

Everyone, from your mother to the perfect stranger standing next to you in the grocery store line, is apt to have very strong opinions about what is best for your baby.

I believe it is important to separate what we believe from what we know. Although there are psychological theories that argue for the importance of the mother staying home to provide the bulk of caretaking in the first year or so of life, those theories have not been substantiated with empirical evidence, even though a great deal of research has been done in the last 30 years on the subject of mothercare versus othercare.

What we do know is that babies need loving care. And they need to attach securely. The odd thing is, babies seem to know the difference between caretaker and mom even if they are with the caretaker more hours of the day.

There is no empirical evidence to substantiate the notion that a stay-at-home mom is inherently a better choice of childcare than is childcare by someone other than the mother. Neither is there evidence that going back to work and leaving your baby in the care of someone you can trust and rely on is a better choice than staying home and doing all the mothering yourself.

What is best for baby is for you to make the choice that works for you. What is best for baby is that the caretaker be loving and happy; that the caretaker mirror well and set limits that are developmentally appropriate when setting limits is called for. That's what we know.

Believe it or not, some women really enjoy staying home with their babies. Believe it or not, some women are better mothers when they go back to work. And believe it or not, not everyone can predict ahead of time which way it's going to be when baby comes.

I've had women swear up and down that all they've ever wanted was to get married and have babies, only to find themselves cranky and missing adult conversation when they've been home with the baby for several months.

I've also had women vow and maintain that full-time mothering was not for them, no way, never, won't happen, only to find themselves longing for baby like a lovelorn suitor just when they thought they should be back in the swing of things.

Consider two women I will call Susan and Julie. Although their names and details are fictional, Susan and Julie are composites of real women.

Susan quit her job well in advance of the birth of her first child. She nested. She enjoyed nesting. She made curtains and baby quilts. She learned to smock and threw herself into cooking like never before. She was blissfully content, and her husband was putting on weight as she exercised her passion for homecaring. But taking care of a newborn was more than she had bargained for. She was tired all the time. It was months before she and her husband started having sex again. The endless cycle of teething and ear infections plucked her last nerve. She was on edge a lot. After a few months of staying home, she found that she wasn't enjoying anything anymore. When she finally went back to work, she wished she had gone back sooner. She found that the camaraderie of her work relationships and the meaning she got from doing what she had trained to do actually energized her. Now, when she got home after work, she was delighted to see her daughter and husband. She said she was like a fish that had been thrown back into the water. Their schedules were hectic, but even her husband admitted that she was easier to live with now than she had been since she got pregnant.

Julie had the opposite experience. She trained long and hard to become an expert in her field, and her career was on the "fast track." When she got pregnant, she never doubted that she would be back in the office within weeks. She found just the right child care. Her husband had the more flexible job, so he would pick the baby up after work. They had the nuts and bolts of a two-career family worked out in fine detail well in advance of the due date. But when Julie held her newborn son, her heart did flip-flops. This was the one thing she had not anticipated. When the ime came for her to go back to work, the wind went right out of her sails. She came to see me tearful and blue, a classic case of postpartum depression. The more I listened to her, the clearer it became that she did not want to go back to work. When I suggested that she listen to herself, her face lit up. You would have thought she had just won the lottery. Julie has three little people at home now, and she says she's never been happier. Her husband says money is tight, and their schedules are hectic, but they're happy with the choice they've made.

No matter what choice you make, remember that life is not static but always changing. When the baby has colic or is teething, you can reassure yourself that in six months the picture will have changed, and this baby will be a whole new person.

Babies change constantly. So too do the rhythms and daily rituals you put in place to give order to your life. The right choice for you when baby comes home may not be the right choice months down the road.

Remain flexible. Stay open. Listen to the still, small voice deep in the center of your being, where you know what is right and true. And please, go easy on those who make different choices from your own; you may find the tables turned one day.