To Work or not to Work.
Part 2: When Work is a Necessity rather than a Choice. (*)
By Dr Sara Rosenquist
Two kinds of choices.
We nearly always have some choices, although often we don't have control over the consequences of
our choices. The perception of no choice is thus usually about the acceptability or unacceptability
of consequences.
Economic necessities are very real, and they do limit our options, sometimes drastically. What are
the choices when financial realities apparently dictate that both parents work? Well, you can always do
what you can to make the best of an imperfect situation. You can also start questioning assumptions and
looking for creative alternatives.
Making the best of things.
Most women who have to work do so for many different reasons. Full-time employment - even a
part-time job that is steady - fulfills many needs and provides more than a way to make ends meet. Salaried
employment provides structure and a regular rhythm to daily and weekly life. It also provides a predictable
stream of income.
In addition to many layers of meaning and emotion, a job often provides benefits such as health insurance, a
way to save for retirement, and many other perks that can be easy to lose sight of when a baby pulls at your
heartstrings.
Pamela kept talking about how much she hates having to leave baby Jeffrey to go to work. Her job is
OK, but not particularly exciting. It used to be more than OK. Listening to her, I was not convinced.
The more she talked, the less convinced I became. Finally I asked her if perhaps "I don't want to work
but I have to" really meant, "I feel sad and guilty when I leave my baby." Her face took on a
look of calm, the kind you get when all the pieces of a puzzle fit together. After that, Pamela was able
to go to work without feeling miserable. Sure, little Jeffrey's tears still caused her a momentary pang of
angst, but she was able to shake it before she pulled out of the daycare parking lot. She still had some
other issues to talk out, and we wrestled with the logistics of balancing her roles, but that realization
was a turning point for her.
Sometimes we need to take a closer look at our choices and our alternatives as a way of embracing the choices
we have made.
When the real issue is feeling sad and guilty, the solution may not lie in finding alternatives. In that
case, the solution may lie in learning to think differently about your situation and the choices you are
making.
Valuing what you are doing, validating the reasons behind your choices, and accepting that each path implies
another path not taken are strategies that can help you loosen the noose created by unreasonable guilt.
Thinking out of the box: one couple's experience.
Jennifer and Ben are a fairly typical middle-class American couple. When Samantha was born,
Jennifer desperately wanted to stay home with her newborn and would have done just about anything to keep
from having to work full time. But they needed her income. Together, their salaries combined to put
them over the top, making them financially solvent as a family. Jennifer and Ben didn't consider
either income "extra" at all. Still, they wished they could find some other way. Since Jennifer
and Ben together made slightly more than what Linda Kelly, author of Two Incomes and
Still Broke reports the "average" American family needs, they should've been
comfortable. But Jennifer and Ben didn't feel comfortable. They barely made it on two salaries. And
although they thought they had figured what their added expenses would be with the baby, they found
themselves stretching to make ends meet, baffled at where the money was going. Jennifer felt trapped
and miserable. Ben felt inadequate and resentful. So where did they go wrong?
The "new" math. Most couples trying to assess their financial needs make several faulty
assumptions when they consider the value of a second income. Numbers add up in peculiar ways.
For one thing, the IRS treats a second income differently than it does a first income. For another
thing, most people don't account for "smoke and mirrors". There are many hidden, subtle, and unconscious
costs to working. Kelly calls these "job related expenses." Jennifer found herself catching lunch
on the go, and Ben made more trips to the break room vending machines. They were both too exhausted
to fix lunch. Carry-out Chinese food and pizza delivered to the door seemed reasonable expenditures.
After all, time spent playing with baby Samantha was more valuable than time spent shopping and cooking.
The laundry basket was always overflowing. Many mornings Ben hurried to iron a shirt while Jennifer
fed the baby - until the shirts started going to the cleaners. Yet another reasonable expense, to
be sure. And then there were the many unconscious ways they rewarded themselves, and each other, for
working so hard. The unconscious can be mighty difficult to pin down.
What does it mean?
Each situation is different, just as each family, each child, is unique. Jennifer and Ben
assumed they needed two full-time incomes, but when Ben was laid off and forced to stay home with
Samantha, their finances improved and they discovered that they could live quite happily on
much less than they had thought.
I don't recommend getting laid off in order to find out about these things, mind you. But you just
might be surprised at what you discover if you take a close and careful look at your situation.
So . . .
Listen to your heart. Proceed carefully. Get information. Get help sorting through
the information. Question your assumptions. Value yourself. And please, whatever else you do,
enjoy your family. After all, you only pass this way once.
(*) Psychotherapy is completely confidential. The stories cited here
are fictional composites of very typical experiences; the details match no two particular cases.
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